* What is the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid for a longer fight.
* What do good lawyers and good mechanics have in common?
They don’t exist.
* The definition of a lawyer
The only person in whom the ignorance of law is not punished.
Some real lawyer questions in courts
* Lawyer : So, what is your date of birth?
Witness : 21st August
Lawyer : Which year?
Witness : Every year.
* Lawyer : How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness : By death
Lawyer : O.K. by whose death?
* Lawyer : She had 3 children, right?
Witness : Right.
Lawyer : How many were boys?
Witness : None
Lawyer : O.K. Were there any girls?
* Lawyer : Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in sleep, he can’t know about it till the next morning?
* Lawyer : What happened next?
Witness : He told me, “I have to kill you, because you can identify me.”
Lawyer : And then, did he kill you?
* Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury (giving false statement in Court)?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for a murder.
* A defendant was asked whether he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. “Jury trial,” the defendant replied. “Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge. “Sure,” replied the defendant, “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”
* A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.” “That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer, “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.” The lawyer pondered the engineer’s reply for a moment, and looking somewhat confused, asked, “How did you start the flood?”
* Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have the time to save one of them. Will you (1) have lunch? Or (2) go to a movie?
* A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the latter’s rates. “Rs.1,000 for three questions,” replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that quite steep?” asked the man while doling out the thousand-rupee note. “Yes,” answered the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”
* After repairing some faulty wiring in an attorney’s home, the electrician handed him the bill. “Four hundred rupees! For an hour’s work?” cried the attorney, “That’s ridiculous! Why? I’m an attorney and I don’t charge that much.” “Funny,” replied the electrician, “When I was an attorney, I didn’t either!”
* A millionaire informs his attorney, “I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife will inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death.” “Why such an odd stipulation?” asked the attorney. “Because I want someone to be sorry for my death!” came the reply.
* An attorney ran over to the office of his client. “I can’t believe it!” said the angered attorney, “You sent a case of Dom Perignon to that judge in your case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we’re certain to lose this case!” “Relax,” said the client, “I sent it in the prosecutor’s name.”
* After she was convicted of second degree murder, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Mathur, after you put the arsenic in the sweet dish and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” quipped the D.A. “When he asked for some more.” came the reply.
* A man, walking along the beach one day, finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. “I will grant you three wishes,” said the genie. “But there is a catch.” “What catch?” the man asked. The genie replied, “Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you are granted.” “Well, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man. “What is your first wish?” asked the genie. “Well, I have always wanted a Ferrari!” Poof! A Ferrari appears in front of the man. “Now every lawyer in the world has two Ferraris,” said the genie. “Next wish?” “I would love a million dollars,” replied the man. Poof! One million dollars appear at his feet. “Now every lawyer in the world has two million dollars,” said the genie. “Well, that’s o.k., as long as I have got my million,” replied the man. “What is your third and the final wish?” The man thought for long and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”
* The lawyer’s son wanted to follow his father’s footsteps, so he went to a Law school. He graduated with honours, and then, went home to join his father’s firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father’s office, “Father, father, in one day I broke that accident case that you’ve been working on for the past four years.” “What you did!” His father exclaimed, “You idiot, what do you think I put you through Law School for?”
* A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman. “What a rip off!”, the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.” Jabbing the man, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
* A housewife, an accountant, and a lawyer were asked “How much is 2 plus 2?” The housewife replies: “Four!” The accountant says: “I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.” The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights, and asks in a hushed voice, “How much do you want it to be?”
* Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one, “Lets be honest with each other.” “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
* A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, “Is there a criminal attorney in the town?” To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, “Yeah, but we can’t prove it yet.”
* Jury: A collection of people banded together to decide which side has hired the better lawyer.
* A lawyer charged a client Rs. 500 for legal services. The client paid him with crisp new Rs.100 notes. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two of the bills had stuck together and he had been overpaid by Rs.100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
* An attorney, addressing the jury and speaking of his client who recently killed his parents, “Dear ladies and gentlemen, please take mercy and release this poor orphan.”